How to deal with your adult child getting divorced (and what you must never do): Psychotherapist reveals golden rules to avoid agony of family being torn apart - and pain of never seeing grandchildren again
A lot is spoken about divorce when it comes to the couple themselves – but what about their parents, some of whom fear they’ll never see their grandchildren again? Psychoanalyst Juliet Rosenfeld reveals the golden rules to follow when your adult child gets divorced.
Gill* was the perfect grandmother. She had done pick-ups, drop-offs, escorted her two grandchildren to ballet and rugby lessons, as well as teaching them to play chess and poker.
But when her 55-year-old son Max suddenly left Joanna, his wife of 15 years, Gill was told by her former daughter-in-law not to contact her under any circumstances. A brutal text added she ‘would not be required for any pick-ups or sleepovers’. All time spent with the grandchildren was withdrawn.
Gill, retired after a long career in the civil service, had devoted herself to the grandchildren for a decade. What on earth was she to do?
It’s a harrowing tale, but as a psychoanalyst I know that such situations are not uncommon. Gill came to see me in an act of desperation, being very much of the ‘stiff upper lip’ generation who didn’t like to make a fuss.
For people born before 1950, divorce may still feel stigmatising even if the numbers mean it is not uncommon. According to UK government statistics, 4.4million children live in separated families. When divorce happens, the most obvious fear for a grandparent is that they won’t see their grandchild any more.
Juliet Rosenfeld is a psychoanalyst. She says the key to navigating your adult child getting divorced is to keep your opinions to yourself
According to UK government statistics, 4.4million children live in separated families
As a parent you must recognise however much your child resembles you, that you are different and separate
Today ‘grandparent’ often means childcare. Rising living costs, unaffordable housing, and both parents working means granny and grandpa become in loco parentis. As a result, children today may spend a lot of their childhood with them.
There are obviously often huge benefits all-round to this. However, if an adult child separates from a partner, the impact not just on children but on their grandparents can be profound and frequently overlooked.
Another rarely documented risk is the harm done to previously good relationships between parents and their adult children. Because when a grandparent gets involved in a couple’s row, the boundaries can blur and rupture irreparably.
In Gill’s case, she initially saw it as a weakness in her son and daughter-in-law that they hadn’t done more to save their marriage. Had she voiced these feelings, it could have ended very badly for her relationship with both.
However, in finding the courage to seek professional help, she was able to vent her anger safely. In time she was able to see this decision as theirs alone, and to trust they were doing what was best for them. Gill’s relationship was eventually restored with both, which was a great solace for them all, especially the grandchildren.
Things don’t always end so well. Thirty-seven-year-old Mary was devastated by her mother’s reaction when she eventually told her she was separating from her husband Luke. Her normally restrained 75-year-old mother said that Luke had been a decent husband and was ‘a good man.’
She felt Mary was being ‘extremely selfish’ leaving her marriage, especially as they shared a small daughter who adored her father. Mary felt deeply unsupported and angered by her mother’s attitude.
I had treated Mary for depression for several painful years while she tried to leave her marriage, which was both depriving and very unhappy. I also knew that Mary’s own childhood had been miserable. An only child, her father had left her mother when she was at primary school for another woman.
She recalled her parents’ marriage as a cold and lifeless relationship. She felt relief when she could visit her father in his flat and had had a good relationship with him away from her mother. But her mother had never forgiven him for leaving.
Mary and I were eventually able to see her mother’s attitude as a powerful ‘repetition’ which related to her own inability to work through and accept her husband’s departure from a very unhappy marriage.
As you can see from the stories above, each family situation is different from the next. However, if you do find yourself as the parent of an adult child who is getting divorced, these are my guidelines which may ease the discomfort of life post-separation.
- Keep your opinions to yourself. Your children are not your friends in this scenario. They are an adult in a couple, poised to separate or divorce.
- Keep lines of communication open as usual with your son-in-law or daughter-in-law. If your offspring asks you not to, acknowledge it is painful, but say that while your role may be changing, you will continue to behave in a civilised manner as a parent-in-law and (if they have kids) respect them as a parent to your grandchild. However, this may not apply if the son- or daughter-in-law is doing something completely unacceptable, for example domestic violence.
- Acknowledge what you know about the situation when you are asked but also say you think it is better to keep out rather than to take sides.
- Be loving to your child, not punitive and angry. It took Mary many years to recover from what she felt was her mother’s attack on her, even if we were able to work through the reasons her mother behaved in the way she did.
- Try to keep any arrangements as consistent as possible. Mary’s mother had her two children after school every Wednesday. Even when Mary felt very angry with her mother, she did not disturb this pre-agreed arrangement.
- Find an outlet to talk about how it makes you feel, be that a very discreet friend or a therapist if possible. Your children’s marriage is their business, not yours, and respecting that will benefit everyone.
- Recognise that, however much your child resembles you, you are different and separate. They are an adult, even if they were your baby. So, comfort, love them and be their parent in whatever way you can, but keep boundaries clear. This was their relationship, not yours.
*All names have been changed
