BEL MOONEY: Am I brave enough to leave my toxic, angry husband?
Dear Bel,
I met my husband at 15 and have seen my life marred by his filthy temper.
He is not schizophrenic, but the pleasant, caring guy he usually is transforms into the Incredible Hulk if I oppose him on certain topics. He usually pretends it hasn’t happened or aggressively blames me for causing it.
He screams abuse – very often the same stuff and generally about what an awful person I am. If I am unwell, it’s because I am so vile, and so on.
It’s not just the words, it’s the venom. It feels as if a bucket of excrement has been poured over me. There’s no point in arguing or trying to calm him down.
I feel permanently trapped. My choices are to put up with this, or go for a divorce – which seems a huge upheaval.
I used to put up with it because I had very low self-esteem and thought I deserved it. I have had counselling: some helped, some didn’t, but five different counsellors told me to leave him. I didn’t take their advice.
I have wonderful, loving children, but my kids grew up with it and said I should have left years ago. I chose to stay, so they are no longer willing to get involved. Now my self-esteem is no longer low. I know I don’t deserve all this.
Ten years ago, I started divorce proceedings, but he persuaded me it would bankrupt us as our business was struggling. He promised a fresh start and for a few years it was better.
But in the past 18 months it’s become considerably worse. Two episodes were hugely aggressive and frightening. I suffered so badly from anxiety I had to get cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Then we went through a dramatic few months where he was ill and life changed. I did everything possible to support him, I got him the best care and continued struggling with our business.
Then the scary prognosis that he had received turned out to be incorrect and he was given a reprieve.
I thought he would appreciate me more now. I feel as if my existence has always been about supporting his life choices. Now I am older, I want to stop working and spend time on interests that I currently have no time or energy for. He says no.
The combination of the abusive episodes and his unwillingness to start winding down the company have left me hating my life. I’m just too broken to enjoy anything any more. I don’t even know what I am asking you for. I just feel so unhappy and alone.
KAREN
Nobody should underestimate how difficult it is to get out of a bad marriage – unless you have resources and (very likely) a lover to flee to. Those people are the lucky ones.
It takes a brave person to go through the enormous upheaval of getting a divorce when the end result will be enormous complications, financial worries and ultimately having to cope with life on their own.
Often remaining in a bad marriage seems to be the best option – like the old lag afraid of leaving a life in prison – even if that means bowing your head to a life of misery.
Is that overstating what you have been through? I don’t think so.
In many ways your husband sounds like a narcissist. Although, as always, I am wary of the easy diagnosis off the page.
However, you would do well to research the topic online for some pointers on what you are dealing with.
Of course, you know what you face already – and so do your children – but more information might help to give you the strength to see your future more clearly. You have been bullied into submission, but isn’t your new mood a sign that the universe is telling you it’s not too late to change?
Five counsellors told you to leave. That is a lot of advice to pay for – then ignore.
Your children tell you that you should have left their father ‘years ago’. That is a lot of love and sorrow to hear – and then ignore.
And now, if you don’t know what you are asking me, then I don’t know what to say to you – because any wise advice from me will just be ignored, too.
Or will it? You made the effort to write. Please see that as the all-important first step.
I really do realise how hard it is to leave a long marriage.
Whatever the circumstances, a break-up can leave you feeling like a failure, causing already low self-esteem to plummet even further. Once you had such
hopes. Now they have been shattered. Even ending a toxic, abusive marriage can leave you full of grief – because you look back at a life of unhappiness that you have been brainwashed into thinking is entirely your fault. It seems like a lose-lose situation.
But is it? No matter what age you may be, the struggle to leave a bad marriage is worth it to bring about untold peace and contentment. This is settling into your very own life at last. I know that because of the letters I have had from female readers telling me so.
And as the cliche says, when one door closes, another opens.
It won’t be easy, so turn to family and friends for support. Seek help wherever you can. Why not move out and stay with one of your children for a while?
Your husband needs to understand this is real.
I feel old and useless after vicar’s rejection
Dear Bel,
You may not think this is a problem. I am in my 70s, reasonably fit and in good health.
I lost my wife three years ago but I’m quite happy living on my own and am not lonely.
The local church has become important to me (I think you will understand that) and for the past few months I have been standing in for one of the wardens.
Because of that, I did expect to be chosen to fill the vacancy after a recent parish meeting.
But when I broached the subject with the vicar, he told me that he had asked a younger man to take up the post. I know that he is right to think that if the church is to grow then the youth must be involved – however, he would like me to continue as a reserve.
Though my head tells me the logic behind the decision, I feel used and useless. Most of the congregation have said that they expected me to be the next warden, now this will look to all as if I am not up to it.
People say how important the old are in society, but when you get old you realise you are not useful or wanted.
I am sorry to burden you with my silly problems, but I have no confidante I can talk to and writing to you has been a cathartic exercise.
HARRY
Let me stop any reader thinking this is not relevant to them! Harry, I can almost hear them thinking, ‘Churchwarden? What’s he on about? Why’s she chosen this for the page?’
But your short email reminds me of so many other issues that afflict us humans – at all stages in our lives.
The schoolchild feels left out because his friends seem to have gone off him. The young person in a first job is acutely uncomfortable because she feels her co-workers are cold to her. The older worker doesn’t get the long-hoped-for promotion and just wants to give up. The wife feels unloved, the grandparent neglected, the devoted parishioner unvalued…
So it goes – all through life. The malevolent spirit called ‘Rejection’ lurks around corners, waiting to make us feel small and lost. That’s what’s happening here, sir, and you need to marshal forces stronger than that mean old gremlin.
You are well equipped – if only you would see it. First, after the loss of your wife you had the strength to forge a life of self-sufficiency and contentment, which is rare. You found a haven in the church, which shows how wise you are, since many people would find the same if only they would take the step. You achieved the friendship and respect of a congregation of people.
So please stop fixating on age, get over your disappointment, and continue to realise that you are a vital part of one
communion which is far greater than the sum of its parts.
