After my mother died, I discovered something horrifying about my younger sister. Now I don't know what to say to her. What should I do? DEAR CAROLINE reveals exactly how to resolve a hidden taboo that affects so many families
Q I am in my 60s, female, with a younger sister and older brother – and we live some distance from each other. In adulthood, we have not been particularly close, mostly seeing each other when we met up with our families at our parents’ house. I had assumed we had simply developed different, busy lives – we all have children and careers.
Both our parents have now died and, after my mother’s funeral, my younger sister told me about some really difficult few years when her mental health was in a very bad way and I never knew.
I feel awful that I wasn’t there for her and overwhelmed with sadness for the lost years when we might have been closer. We got on well as children. I don’t know where to start now. I am also upset that my mother apparently knew all about it but never said anything to me. Did she not trust me?
A It’s understandable that this has stirred powerful emotions. You describe a family dynamic that is not uncommon: busy and well-meaning, but somewhat compartmentalised. Contact revolved around your parents, and deeper personal struggles remained private. That doesn’t mean you didn’t care – only that the opportunities for those deeper conversations were not there at the time.
Hearing about your sister’s difficulties now has naturally triggered unwarranted guilt. But responsibility is not the same as hindsight. When someone is going through a very difficult time emotionally, they can often find it hard to confide in someone whose life appears more straightforward, even a sibling. At such times, it can feel easier to speak to those in a similar situation, where understanding feels more immediate. Your mother was probably respecting your sister’s privacy rather than acting from a lack of trust in you. Or she may have been influenced by an often misplaced belief that keeping painful things unspoken is easier.
The question now is not how things should have been, but how they might be from here. You say you don’t know where to start, but you already have: you listened to your sister, and you care. That is no small thing. It opens the door to telling her how sad you feel that she went through so much, and that you would like to know her more fully and be there for her from now on.
Strong sibling bonds can often be built later in life, particularly in the shared experience of losing parents and, over time, the gap that once existed need not matter. Hopefully this new closeness may include your elder brother, too.
I CAN'T STAND MY HUSBAND'S FRIEND
Q My husband’s old friend from school is an obnoxious, loud-mouthed jerk who often teases me for being ‘posh’. I have asked my husband not to bring him round to our house because he will happily accept an offer of food or snacks but doesn’t bring anything with him, never helps if he stays for dinner, drops crisps on the sofa, etc. My husband also falls into this pattern when he is there.
However, he doesn’t seem to see that his friend is often making fun of me; he says that I should just ignore it and that I am being harsh. I feel he should end this friendship but he says that they go back years and he only visits occasionally.
A I wonder whether your husband may be slipping back into an old dynamic where he was the one who always needed the friendship more, or even feels that he might get flack for having betrayed his roots if he doesn’t act the same way. In any case his approach is immature and I’m concerned that he isn’t supporting you when he should be.
Talk to your husband again and explain that you are not prepared to ignore this friend’s behaviour or put up with him in your house. You are perfectly entitled to expect more loyalty. You could also address his friend directly and explain that you don’t appreciate the way he speaks or acts around you. People like this often rely on others staying polite and silent.
