Can you ever forgive your husband cheating? Read the devastating words of wife 30 years after betrayal... it may change your mind
Q I have been married for 52 years. My husband had an affair more than 30 years ago. He ended it when I found out. I was heartbroken. I never told our four grown-up children as they would have been devastated.
However, recently my husband and I watched a film (Heartburn) which explores how a man’s infidelity changes a marriage for ever. It brought up many feelings. I asked my husband how long the affair lasted. I had thought it was two or three months but he said it was about a year. I also asked if he had given her jewellery and he said he once bought her a pair of earrings.
I am distraught. Why does it still feel so painful all these years later? I love him and I know that he loves me. We have had a good marriage, so why can’t I forget? I feel depressed.
Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson in the 1986 film Heartburn, which our reader watched with her husband – and it stirred up many feelings
A I am sorry that this pain has resurfaced so sharply. I am struck by the fact that watching a film has only now sparked a conversation you didn’t have then.
People often imagine that time neatly smooths over these things, but this is not necessarily true. You coped at the time perhaps by trying to ignore the affair, carrying on for the sake of your children and keeping the marriage going. That may have meant some of the anger and grief were never properly expressed. Discovering that the affair lasted longer than you believed naturally shifts your understanding of that time, and it can make the betrayal feel newly raw.
But it is also important to look at the whole picture. I am sure that your husband is deeply regretful of what happened. The two of you have built more than three decades of shared life since. More than 50 years of marriage speaks of commitment, forgiveness and a great deal of love.
I suspect you have never told anyone else about this and have been carrying it alone all these years. Rather than trying to force yourself to forget, it may help to talk gently with your husband about how this revelation has affected you. Not to reopen old battles, but to allow him to reassure you and acknowledge the hurt he caused you.
It might also help to consider couples counselling with relate.org.uk. Many couples find that revisiting an old betrayal with some guidance allows both people to say things they never said at the time. It would also allow you to decide together whether you should say anything to your children – there are arguments for and against. Please also speak to your GP about possible depression.
MY COLLEAGUE KEEPS UNDERMINING ME
Q I returned to work six months ago – at the company where I was based before I had children. My youngest is now six. I was fortunate that they happened to be recruiting and, because I have kept my knowledge up to date, I’ve discovered I am still good at what I do.
However, I am finding that my presence is not welcomed by an older colleague. I have the more senior position, yet she still treats me as if everything has to be explained to me in a rather patronising way. I am not sure how to tell her, because she is a bit of a moaner.
A Even though your colleague might not have the skills and abilities you have, it sounds as though she may feel resentful that you hold the senior role. This is especially tricky as she is older than you, and it could even make her feel a little inadequate. So remember that this is more about her than you, and don’t let her undermine you – it sounds as though you have done remarkably well after a prolonged career break.
Next time she explains the obvious, smile and say lightly, ‘Thanks, I remember this from before – but I’ll shout if I need a recap.’ Said calmly, it resets the tone without confrontation. Also, if possible, could you find some interesting tasks for her that might provide a fulfilling challenge, and where you have to explain what needs to be done? This would subtly redress the balance.
