Nothing hurts quite like being let down by a female friend. These are the eight types you should NEVER be friends with (including the one to drop at 50)
There was a moment in the new season of regency romance Bridgerton which made my blood boil (and not in a sexy way). Lady Danbury, wanting to return to her native land, asks the Queen if she can retire as one of her ladies-in-waiting.
After decades of loyal service, this doesn’t seem an outrageous request but the Queen flatly refuses. I know she’s the Queen but how unreasonable, I thought. It made me realise just how one-sided female friendships can be.
Good girlfriends are one of the great joys of life. In fact, they might actually be the most important thing in mine.
At the heart of every social circle, it’s the women who organise the get-togethers and are there for you when you need emotional support. Which is why it’s even more upsetting when they let you down.
A few years ago, I had a close friend who I thought would be in my life for ever. Then, out of nowhere, she ghosted me. She stopped posting in our group chat, didn’t reply to my pleading emails and I never heard from her again. It was deeply unsettling and felt like a break-up.
Almost every women I know has a similar story of a friendship gone catastrophically wrong. When I mentioned to other women that I was writing about female friendship, it was as if a dam had burst. They regaled me with stories of broken promises, disloyalty and betrayal.
It turns out there is nothing – nothing – that cuts to the quick quite as much as being let down by someone who has broken those sacred bonds of female friendship.
We would do well to remember that female friendships are not always pure or altruistic, that they are frequently transactional, sometimes malicious in intent, and often complicated.
So here is my guide to recognising the girlfriend types that are as dangerous as Lady Whistledown’s quill . . .
Golda Rosheuvel as Queen Charlotte and Adjoa Andoh as Lady Danbury in Bridgerton season four. After years of service, the Queen refuses to let Lady Danbury retire as a lady-in-waiting
Good friends are one of the great joys of life. They might actually be the most important thing in mine. Which is why it’s even more upsetting when they let you down, says Sasha Wilkins
Take, take, taker
You have known each other for years and always believed it didn’t matter how long you went without seeing each other, because you would always be friends. But it starts to feel very one-sided when the only time this woman gets in touch is when she wants something.
I had a university friend who only ever messaged me when she wanted a bed for the night, to offload about her children, or beg for last-minute favours.
Friendship has to be a two-way street, and when you’re the only one giving, it’s not really a friendship any more.
Good times friend
You have shared some wonderful times, from dancing on a podium in Ibiza in your 20s, to dissecting your relationships over a Cosmopolitan in your 30s, but now you’re in the sniper’s alley of your 40s and 50s when times get tough.
Whether it’s an illness, a parental death, job loss or fiscal crisis, this friend simply melts away when you need her the most.
Two of my close friends have had cancer treatment recently and I’ve been horrified to hear that several of their formerly cherished circle have not once been in touch.
The over-promiser
The over-promiser is closely related to the Good Times friend.
This woman is so happy to help! What can she do to make your life easier at this difficult time? But then she is absolutely nowhere to be seen.
In a way she is worse than the Good Times friend because you took her at her word and were relying on her.
Post-divorce, my mother fell victim to over-promisers several times during her house move, believing people when they said they would help.
She was then left lonely and stranded at home in a sea of packing when they decided they had better things to do.
Superior Sally
When my best friend was recovering after a difficult birth, a mutual friend set up a meal train so we could each bring supper on a different night for the family.
I took the afternoon off to drive across town with an expensive homemade beef lasagne – a labour of love as a vegetarian – only to be told by the gatekeeping mutual friend that it wasn’t the right meal for the right night.
She grudgingly took my dish then shut the door on me.
This is the same woman who, when I offered to drive her to a weekend away, told me she wasn’t prepared to be driven in my panel van.
Budget basher
This friend is incapable of understanding that some people exist on a fixed budget, or sometimes no budget at all – and refuses to compromise.
I had several of this type of friend when I worked in New York. They would suggest meeting up in a shiny new restaurant or bar and were always the first to suggest sharing an expensive bottle of wine or splitting the bill when they’d ordered steak while I’d chosen a starter salad because that’s all I could afford.
I was once asked to split a $600 (£450) West Village restaurant bill between three people – and stupid younger me agreed.
I’ve never forgotten the oblivious entitledness of it.
Thank goodness the oblivious friend is often balanced by the generous and kind friend who totally understands your fiscal situation and is only too happy to treat you because she knows if the situation were reversed, you’d do exactly the same for her.
Truth twister
When things don’t go her way this person twists the truth and upsets the delicate balance of a friendship group.
I’ve never forgotten being delighted to lend a valuable choker to a friend for her wedding – until, that is, the bride rang me in much excitement to tell me her dress designer wanted to flatten it out to turn it into a headpiece.
I said no, as I knew it would damage the choker irrevocably.
She grudgingly accepted my decision but I didn’t realise just how furious she was until I overheard her on her hen night wailing that I had ruined her wedding dress plans by refusing to let her wear my necklace.
Of course, she failed to mention that she was planning to partially destroy it, so my name was mud.
Pick-me princess
A pick-me girl is the maidservant of the patriarchy and will do anything for male attention.
Don’t expect her to have your back in any situation where men are involved.
She will drop you quicker than a hot potato when an interesting chap sails into view, and will always try to make herself look better at your expense in any given situation.
While she may not actively want to sleep with your significant other, she will certainly make him feel as if she does, which can cause all sorts of problems.
I remember being in a London bar talking to a man I really liked but, when I came back from the loo, a friend was busy snogging him against a wall.
When I asked her why she’d done it, she said she hadn’t liked the fact that the previous week someone she fancied was more interested in me, so she had decided it was her turn. Ouch!
Gaslighter girl
This is the friend who makes you doubt yourself.
My sister lives with multiple sclerosis which seriously limits her physical capacities.
A new friend refused to believe that my sister needed regular naps or that the MS precluded long walks. Instead, she kept telling her to just stop being lazy, which made my sister worry she was over-egging her illness.
The jaw-dropper was when the friend fell ill and concluded that she was so sick she might also have MS (a condition she had previously proclaimed was all in my sister’s head).
She didn’t. Newsflash: they are no longer friends.
