When I hit 40 and got divorced, I finally lived out my fantasy and started to have sex with women. Now my dating inbox is filled with 'happily married' ladies who want to experiment. This is what they ALL tell me triggered their sudden interest...
Recently I was out on a first date with someone I'd met online. We'd had a coffee together and decided to go for a walk. Then came the inevitable moment when our hands started to reach out to each other.
In that instant we both fumbled, not sure as to the etiquette as to whose hand went on top.
We both smiled as, on this occasion, my hand settled on top of hers. You see, I'm still navigating the fascinating new territory of same-sex relationships.
Aged 40, despite having only ever had heterosexual relationships - including a 16-year marriage to a man I loved, with whom I had a little girl - I finally accepted that it's women with whom I feel most sexually alive.
It's in our 40s that many women, finally free from the insecurities of youth, re-evaluate their lives and shift their focus on what they really want for themselves.
For me, 40 was the year I recognised I didn't want to be boxed in by my outward heterosexuality any more. It was time to reset my sexual compass and see where it landed.
And so for the three years since then I have been living life as a bisexual woman.
It's a life choice that ended my marriage, and my life as I'd known it - but one I'm so glad I found the courage to make.
Nicola Chan ended a 16-year marriage to a man when she was 36. For three years she has been living life as a bisexual woman
And I'm in good company. Earlier this month Pitch Perfect actress Anna Camp came out as bisexual at the age of 43, after two marriages to men.
Eat Pray Love writer Elizabeth Gilbert was 47 when she announced her relationship with her late partner Raaya Elias, having been married to two men previously.
And like me, Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon was a 40-year-old mother when she first publicly acknowledged her relationship with her partner Christine Marino.
While there are no hard statistics about midlife women coming out as gay or bisexual, the Pew Research Centre found that of LGBTQ adults, 10 per cent reported coming out when they were over 30.
My husband and I met in 2001 when I was 19. At the time I was working as a gym instructor and was mother to my three-year-old daughter. Knowing he'd be a good stepfather to her, we married when I was 24.
Walking down the aisle, I was absolutely sure I wanted to be his wife. Yet there had always been a niggle at the back of my mind about my sexuality.
I had known since I was a child that I liked other women in a way that went beyond friendship. Over the years I've had countless crushes on other women; I can see now that my first one was on my best friend at secondary school.
Pitch Perfect actress Anna Camp came out as bisexual earlier this month at the age of 43 after two marriages to men
But I put it down to thinking I wanted to be like them, that I was in some way jealous of them.
Growing up in a working-class family in London there were simply no cultural reference points for me to gauge these feelings against, and so each time they surfaced I'd pushed them to one side.
It wasn't until I was already in a relationship with my husband-to-be that I first acted on this attraction. At 21, I went on a girls holiday with friends, and I ended up drunkenly kissing another woman on the dancefloor.
Unwilling to explore what had happened with my very amused, and slightly shocked, friends, I blamed the alcohol and flew back to my life as a good girlfriend and mother.
I was happy… mostly. I settled into married life and gave birth to another daughter when I was 30. My early 30s were focused on my children, and there was little time for myself and my needs and doubts.
And yet something wasn't right.
There was never anything 'wrong' with my ex, and he certainly didn't fail as a husband in any way. He was just a traditional guy who embraced a traditional life, focusing on buying a house and raising a family.
But sometimes I'd lie awake in bed at night feeling trapped, like I wasn't able to be myself. A little voice kept asking the questions 'am I bisexual or lesbian?', and 'is this all there is to my sex life?'
Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon was a 40-year-old mother when she first publicly acknowledged her relationship with her partner Christine Marino
Around this time, in my mid 30s, I began pivoting my career from fitness instructor to body confidence coach, and began training in a form of therapy known as Neuro Linguistic Programming, which involved a fair amount of self-development work.
I really got to know myself better – and recognised the feelings I'd been suppressing for so long.
When I tried to talk to my husband about it, however, he couldn't understand where I was coming from, and when I was 36, we separated.
Yet even then I wasn't ready to 'come out', and so entered into another relationship with a man - someone I'd hoped would be more open to the idea of me also seeing other women. Except he wouldn't countenance it either. We argued about it for months.
But finally, aged 40, I decided the only way to find out who I truly was was to end the relationship, get 'out there' and see for myself.
The first time I entered 'bisexual' into the sexual orientation box on a dating app, I was incredibly nervous. Yet I was surprised to discover there were so many women around my age who were in the same boat as me. Women who everyone thought had been - or indeed, still were - happily married to men, yet who underneath knew they preferred women and craved an intimate relationship with a woman.
One woman I chatted to was the stay-at-home wife of a lawyer, another was a musician whose husband was an alpha male banker.
After a year of dating women, I met Carmen, my first proper girlfriend.
It was her first same-sex relationship too, and we were together a year. We were each other's 'starter' lesbian relationship, and we both learned a lot.
On our first date it was so refreshing to talk (and talk) with another woman, hold hands and, yes, it wasn't long before we started sleeping together.
Being with a woman for the first time was like coming home, and within a month she'd all but moved in.
It was actually joyous living with a woman. Yes, the sex was incredible, but on a practical level things worked out so much better with two women sharing a domestic space, as opposed to my experiences living with a man.
For one thing, her clothes fitted seamlessly into my wardrobe, we'd even share some items.
Also, I found women so much more practical when it comes to sharing household chores; there was no nagging, no martyrdom, everything just got done, equitably, and without drama.
On a romantic level, women are so much more beautiful to look at, and they look after themselves better; they're clean and they smell nice.
But most importantly, my daughters - then ten and 22 - accepted this new direction in my life without question. They loved Carmen, and they loved seeing how happy I was.
Yet the prospect of coming out to my parents scared the heck out of me.
In the end I didn't have a conversation with anyone beforehand, we just went to a family event together and I simply introduced her as my girlfriend. No one batted an eyelid.
I've no doubt everyone had plenty to say as soon as we'd gone, but no one has ever made me feel uncomfortable.
My mum was the easiest of all. She just saw Carmen as another daughter to love and lavish attention on.
I loved my time with Carmen, but with both of us so new to the lesbian life, it was inevitable that we'd want to experience more.
I re-entered the lesbian dating scene, and every new date with a woman has been an eye-opener. The differences between dating men and women never cease to amaze me.
For example, there's never any quibbling over the bill in a restaurant; you just split it. Simple.
Also, I feel so much safer, I don't have to warn people where I am. There are no contraception worries either.
Staying over is never a problem, because a woman will always have everything, from make-up remover to a spare toothbrush and clothes. One woman who stayed at mine actually tidied up before she left!
That's not to say I've totally given up on men. I still date the odd guy now and then. I enjoy the old-fashioned romance that comes with dating some men and I love masculine energy.
I do tell them straight away that I also date women. Some claim to be feminist and reassure me it's 'cool' - though I think that's usually because they view it through the lens of their sexual fantasies. No man has ever reacted negatively.
It would certainly be easier to only date women, as I worry that when dating a man my bisexuality could be erased. After all those years where people assumed I was heterosexual, I'm finally proud of my sexuality, and I don't want to be put in a box again. But ultimately, who someone is as a person matters more than their gender.
I'm so pleased that more and more midlife women are feeling confident and comfortable about coming out. If you're a woman reading this who's struggling to be honest about what kind of relationship you really want, know there's a whole different way of life out there, just waiting for you. You won't regret taking the leap.
- Carmen's name has been changed
- As told to Samantha Brick
