I discovered my husband's sickening secret addiction just weeks after we got married. I felt so betrayed... it destroyed our sex life
Just a month into marital bliss, Madison Loftin discovered a secret about her husband that made her question their entire relationship and doubt her self-worth.
After meeting on a dating app almost eight years ago and tying the knot a year later, Madison, 27, was confident she knew everything about Kyle, 33.
However, the future of her marriage came crumbling down after she learned the crushing truth just weeks after their nuptials.
The then-newlyweds, who live in Salt Lake City, Utah, were on a road trip when, just 30 minutes into the journey, she went to use his phone and discovered a stash of pornography.
After questioning Kyle, he broke down. Her husband admitted he was first exposed to pornography at eight years old, but thought he had his obsession under control.
'I felt so stupid and betrayed,' Madison told the Daily Mail. 'Then he broke down and said he has an addiction.'
'I felt blindsided,' she admitted. 'For many years, I didn't feel [emotionally] safe in our relationship.
'I was always waiting for the next ball to drop.'
Just a month into marital bliss, Madison Loftin discovered a secret about husband Kyle
Approximately ten percent of men and three percent of women in America reported feeling that they were addicted to pornography, according to a 2020 study.
For Madison, who now shares a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son with Kyle, she knew even then that leaving her husband was not the answer.
'He opened up to me, I knew that I wanted to be there for him, as long as he was willing to work on it and fight through it and try to be in recovery,' she said.
However, for Madison, the next few years were spent stuck in a cycle of hope, which came from helping Kyle seek help by attending addiction recovery classes, and then crushing sadness when she realized he was still highly addicted.
'My naive self assumed that that was all, like he was cured,' she said. '[But] there were times he didn't want to be intimate with me and that's what made me suspicious.'
She added that, unfortunately, she found out he had been lying to her on several occasions.
When this happened, Madison said it felt like she was the 'only one' in the relationship.
'[It] felt like the whole past year, or whatever, was all fake,' she told the Daily Mail. 'I was living in a fake reality. I was so resentful, so angry.'
The then-newlyweds, who live in Salt Lake City, Utah, were on a road trip when, just 30 minutes into the journey, she went to use his phone and discovered a stash of pornography
After sharing their story on TikTok, Madison said she has had to deal with people urging her to leave her husband, which she admitted is difficult
Madison said that in one particularly low moment she even tried watching pornography herself, both as revenge and in a bid to understand the appeal.
'I'd never watched it before,' she said. 'Partially I wanted to "get back" at him, but it was only a couple of times because it did not help anything.'
With Madison's support, Kyle began making changes to his life and addressed his addiction, which she said was taking a significant toll on their relationship.
'I was very self conscious for many years, I did not want to go out in public with him,' she admitted.
The mom-of-two said she was worried about encountering someone dressed provocatively in case it triggered him, adding that it 'definitely' affected her own body image.
'I already felt like my body was compared to [porn stars] so much, I don't want to see it happen right in front of me,' she told the Daily Mail.
'There were times I would dress up in lingerie for him when he got home and he would just be like, "Oh, hey," and then just go on with his day and play video games or whatever.
'That does something to you. That will mess you up.'
Madison said the last time she discovered he had relapsed was around a year ago.
'I found out he was lying [again] over a year ago, but that was when I said I can't do this much more,' she recalled.
'I think the times before he always wanted to be in recovery, but a part of him didn't want to do it fully for himself - he was kind of doing it for me and then our kids.
'He's fully accepted recovery now, and he's been so much more vulnerable with me. When you have addiction, you're trying to numb everything, so he's never wanted to be open about any of his emotions.'
Madison said she has even seen a difference in Kyle's parenting.
'Even when he was in the thick of his addiction, he was always an amazing dad,' she said. 'But since recovery, he's just been so much more selfless.
Madison said she felt blindsided by the news, and for many years, she didn't feel emotionally safe in her relationship
For Madison, who now shares a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son with Kyle, she knew that leaving her husband was not the answer
'It's been nice, because I'm like, I always knew you could be this, but it's nice to see the change kind of, so honestly, it's like night and day difference.'
After sharing their story on TikTok, Madison said she has had to deal with people urging her to leave her husband, which she admitted is difficult.
'People with big platforms clip a part of my video and their take on the situation, but they have all the facts wrong,' she explained.
'I will get lots of people saying you have no self-worth if you're staying with this man, and I actually think it's because I have so much self-worth I'm able to detach his addiction from me. It has nothing to do with me.
'I love this person. I can see that he wants to change. So heaven forbid, a girl tries to save her marriage with her husband.'
