TOM PARKER BOWLES on the worst present he's ever received - and it was from his mum, Queen Camilla! Here's what he wants this year...
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Not nearly as engorged, though, as the bank balances of our major retailers as they use the festive season to flog us an ever more witless array of yuletide-themed junk. As if dreary turkey and turgid Christmas pudding weren’t punishment enough. This year’s ‘highlights’ include a Charcuter-tree (get it?): your very own Christmas tree to construct from Spanish salami, Dutch gouda and Greek olives. At least it’s just about edible, unlike the ‘perfect Christmas musical biscuit tin’: a rotating Alpine village tin complete with ‘spinning tree and light-up fire effect’. Be still my beating heart.
And then, worst of the whole wretched bunch, is that infernal panettone, the worst thing to come out of Italy since Mussolini. Seriously, I couldn’t care less what idiotic flavour is being inflicted upon us this year. Gingerbread? Dubai chocolate? Shame with a twist of regret? The only proper place for this desiccated, raisin-infested disgrace (little more than a fruit cake with a face lift, fake tan and knock-off Fendi bag) is the compost bin. Although even the rats might turn up their noses in disgust. Panettone is not so much Christmas present as an edible statement of disdain.
No, when it comes to culinary Christmas presents, all that’s needed is a little thought, although good intentions aren’t everything. The worst present I ever received (worse, even, than that hideous ‘Gin o’clock’ sign) was way back in 1991, when I asked my mother for a leather jacket – I wanted a proper black biker one with zips and attitude and swagger: Marlon Brando in The Wild One or Arnie in The Terminator. I don’t think my mother got the hint. What I unwrapped was a toffee-brown Marks & Spencer monster, blouson cut, with a naff tartan lining. Lovejoy by way of Alan Partridge. Worse still, I had to pretend to adore it and wear the thing all day long. The shame still burns fierce as brandy on that damned plum pudding.
My Christmas list that follows, though, has little time for ephemeral gimmicks or dreary hampers filled with dreary chutneys and dour tins of Brown Windsor soup. It aims to fill both heart and belly with delectable delight, with something for every palate and budget.
Hot stuff
For those whose tastes tend towards the spicy, the Thai curry pastes from Mae Jum (£3.60 each, maejum.com) are some of the best I’ve tasted, full of spice, heat and Siamese succour. Just add meat and vegetables to create Thai food that will get the taste buds hollering with fiery delight. The chilli oils from Mama Yu (£6.99 each from delli.market) are also superlative. But they tend to sell out fast, as do the soy sauce (£13), chilli oils (£6.80) and dumplings (£20) from Poon’s (poons-pantry.com). Its tea towels (£16) are also utterly lovely. Another great present for the green-fingered hothead is a chilli plant (or seeds) from South Devon Chilli Farm (growing kits from £11, southdevon chillifarm.co.uk). They also have a good range of hot sauces (from £5.50). A word of advice: beware the Reaper.
Special delivery
For those who take their ingredients very seriously indeed, there’s Wylde Market (wylde.market), bringing the farmer’s market direct to your door, with incredible producers selling everything from chicken and steak to hot sauces, seasonal vegetables and amazing anchovies. Order by midday Wednesday for delivery on the Friday morning.
Tin it to win it
Another present I’d be more than happy to receive is a subscription to the Tinned Fish Market (tinnedfishmarket.com). They scour the world (well, mainly Portugal and Spain) for the finest sardines, tuna, razor clams, anchovies and pretty much anything else you can catch and preserve.
The classic box (from £60 for three months) means a delivery of three premium tins, beautifully wrapped and presented, each month. Oyster lovers will revel in a box of six Mersea and six Jersey rock oysters from Richard Haward’s Oysters (£15, richardhawardsoysters.shop); or a luxury smoked fish box and a dozen Carlingford oysters from Wright Brothers (£130 and £32, thewrightbrothers.co.uk).
Way to grow
The Wasabi Company (wasabi company.co.uk) sells all manner of fresh wasabi roots (which are grated to make the pungent paste that accompanies sushi and sashimi); also wasabi plants for the green-fingered (plant and condiment kits from £39).
Brownie points
For something sweet, possibly the best brownies I have ever tasted are from Gower Cottage Brownies (gift boxes from £19.99, gowercottagebrownies.co.uk). Beautifully packaged and delivered around the country, receiving these will make anyone’s Christmas.
The big cheeses
If you really want to share some Christmas cheer, say it with cheese. Neal’s Yard (nealsyarddairy.co.uk) has a Christmas community cheese of the month selection (£49.50), which includes the mighty Stichelton, Duckett’s Caerphilly, Cornish Kern and the superlative Tunworth – plus a donation to charity. Cheese subscriptions start at £138 for three months. The peerless La Fromagerie (lafromagerie.co.uk) has a three-month subscription to some of the best cheeses in Europe (from £135).
Hamper progress
Forget those wicker bores filled with stuff destined to lurk at the back of the larder for years, and choose a gift that will actually be appreciated: the Full English Breakfast Hamper from Daylesford (£70, daylesford.com); or the Not Just Paella Box from Brindisa (£45, brindisa.com), featuring a paella pan, rice, fish stock, saffron, smoked paprika and cuttlefish ink; or simply a whole magnificent Wiltshire ham from DukesHill (from £88.50, dukeshill.co.uk).
‘It’ kit
Netherton Foundry (netherton-foundry.co.uk) in Shropshire, makes some of the finest British pots, pans and casseroles anywhere (from around £70), suitable for hobs and open fires alike. I’ve owned a couple of frying pans for years and love them like children. This kit will last you a lifetime – a joy to cook with, too. Savernake Knives (savernakeknives.co.uk) is another great British brand: you can choose from the handmade range (from £149 a knife), or even design your own.
Culinary arts
For those who like good art, one of my favourite presents last year was a Fishy Tales print, a collaboration between chef Mark Hix and artist Nettie Wakefield that matches the former’s recipes to the latter’s beautiful drawings. Find out more at nettiewakefield.net.
A meaty read
Food geeks (and fans of excellent writing and photography) will love the gift of Pit magazine (£6.50 plus £2.50 p&p per issue, pit.subsail.com/subscribe). Another favourite is Vittles (online subscription £59 per year, vittlesmagazine.com): as well as being a guide to some of the most interesting restaurants in London and beyond, it also has excellent essays on all manner of food issues, from politics and identity and good old-fashioned gastronomic pleasure to what’s really wrong with Gail’s cafés.
Good taste in clothing
St John (stjohnrestaurant.com) has always led the way with merch: T-shirts (£28), sweatshirts (£38) and tote bags (£12.50) featuring that iconic pig. Yard Sale Pizza (yardsalepizza.com) sells some rather lovely T-shirts (£20), as does Max’s Sandwich Shop (maxssandwichshop.com) – ‘F**k sourdough’ is my favourite, along with the ‘Oeuf en gelée’ sweatshirt (among other things) at Maison François (maisonfrancois.com).
And if all else fails
Nothing says ‘Happy Christmas’ quite like a tin of caviar from King’s Fine Food (kingsfinefood.co.uk). The platinum gift set (£56.50) is a good place to start. But really, I’ll be happy with a box of Maltesers and a packet of Scampi Fries. Anything, in fact, but pane-bloody-ttone.
