I cut three of my closest friends out of my life 10 years ago without warning. Women who influenced my life in ways I'll never forget. Now I'm ready to tell you – and them – exactly why I did it: STEPHANIE TAKYI
As my 40th birthday approaches, I’ve started reflecting on the last decade – as well as planning the party.
These milestones in life always give pause for thought, and I’ve found myself thinking back on the friends and family who have shaped me.
But as I blow out the candles, there’ll be some notable absences among those cheering me on.
Because ten years ago, I cut off some of my closest friends – women who influenced my life in ways I’ll never forget – without even the courtesy of a conversation.
You might be thinking there was some catastrophic fight that catalysed the end of these friendships. But looking back I realise that, yes, there were issues between us – but that my own toxic reactions to their behaviour were to blame.
Eleanor had been my right-hand woman throughout my twenties. We met working in retail and quickly became inseparable.
A few years into our friendship, I met Kevin at the gym, and we became a couple.
Initially she was supportive and excited for me. But the more serious my relationship with Kevin became, I felt her attitude change. She’d make comments about feeling neglected by me and I felt her support waning.
Still, Kevin had a brother who I thought would be a good match for Eleanor. I thought I’d found my Mr Right, and I wanted her to join me in being coupled up. I know it’s no fun to be single while your best friend is all loved up.
We arranged a double date and, as predicted, they hit it off immediately. But rather than prompting the fun dynamic I’d imagined, our friendship began to change.
Slowly an element of rivalry began to sneak in. We’d compete to win brownie points with our boyfriends’ mum, buying increasingly lavish gifts in attempts to be seen as the best potential daughter-in-law.
Ten years ago, I cut off some of my closest friends – women who influenced my life in ways I’ll never forget – without even the courtesy of a conversation
You might be thinking there was some catastrophic fight that catalysed the end of these friendships. But looking back I realise that my own toxic reactions to their behaviour were to blame
I’m not proud of it. I know it embarrassed Kevin too; one Christmas I went totally overboard, buying every member of the family multiple gifts in a blatant effort to outdo Eleanor. Slightly put out, he made a quiet comment that even he hadn’t spent that much.
This went on for around six months, until a mutual friend told me that Eleanor had been sniping about me, criticising my job as a then-struggling journalist and even sinking so low as to comment on my lack of money at the time, while she was working full-time as a teacher.
It felt like a punch in the gut. I’d never experienced backstabbing like this in a friendship before.
I don’t know how I stayed calm when I confronted her about it. Inside, I knew I wasn’t going to accept an apology, even if she offered one.
And she did – she was hugely apologetic, claiming she was simply concerned about the state of my finances after I’d spent a summer travelling with Kevin. But why couldn’t she speak to me about it, if she was really worried?
My rage kept bubbling as I went home, and in a fit of anger I blocked her, her family and her wider circle of friends online. The friendship was over in my mind; how could I trust her after such a betrayal?
It didn’t end there. Eleanor and I had always been a duo. But we were part of a group of friends that included Carys and Greta.
We’d had some incredible times together. They made my life electric in a way you can only appreciate in hindsight.
But as my insecurities grew after the fight, I became increasingly toxic. Eleanor remained close to them, and I was convinced they were all talking about me behind my back.
And so I blocked them too, ghosting them without warning or explanation.
I convinced myself I didn’t need them. Instead, Kevin became the centre of my world.
Simple communication could have saved some of my friendships, says Stephanie... but, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20
But of course, the hurt I felt didn’t disappear as easily as Eleanor, Carys and Greta vanished from my Instagram feed. And it inevitably began to affect my relationship with Kevin.
He was very close to his family, but of course I couldn’t risk spending time around them in case I was confronted with Eleanor. I’d been hugely short-sighted.
Kevin started pulling away from me, criticising everything I did. He’d ask why Eleanor and I weren’t spending as much time together – he knew that we’d argued, but I’d been too embarrassed to tell him I’d blocked her. He found out from his brother, eventually, but he never questioned me on it – perhaps a symptom of our increasing emotional distance.
I wanted him to defend me, but he was caught between his brother and his girlfriend, and it became clear he wasn’t going to support me, so we eventually broke up. I spiralled into depression, mourning not only the loss of my relationship but the friendship I had believed would last a lifetime.
It was only after the break-up that I realised my actions had been entirely misguided. Without the mental space that Kevin was taking up, it became clear that all I’d needed to do was forgive Eleanor – she’d probably not meant any malice by it.
Letting my relationship impact on our friendship had always been a mistake, and I felt cheated – by myself. I was young and full of insecurities, and I’d given up this sisterhood over my own anxieties. Looking back, I feel so ashamed of the person I was then. Self-doubt can quietly deprive us of beautiful things.
A decade on, now I’m approaching 40, I’ve begun to understand that female friendships can be complex and layered. I’ve worked on becoming a better communicator when issues arise within my circle of friends, or when I feel hurt. I have fewer friends now than I once did, but I’ve learned to navigate these friendships better, and they’re all the closer for it.
I heard recently that Eleanor is still with Kevin’s brother, and that they now have a child together. I admit, I was resentful that she had found happiness with the family that I had lost – and sad that I couldn’t congratulate her myself.
Would I get back in touch with her? The Stephanie from 2016 isn’t the Stephanie of today, and sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and move on. If life were to bring us together somehow, though, I’d embrace her gladly. She was once my favourite person in any room.
Two years ago, I bumped into Carys at a train station. I didn’t hesitate to apologise profusely about how I’d ended our friendship, explaining how insecure and lost I’d felt. She embraced me with kindness and we’re tentatively rebuilding our connection.
Despite all I’ve learned in the years since, I still feel huge regret about the fate of those friendships. Simple communication could have saved them – but, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.
Names have been changed
