I love my children, but life would be better without them: It's the ultimate parenting taboo...now three brave women tell TRACEY COX why they wouldn't become mothers if they had their time again

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Admitting regretting becoming a mother is taboo in parent land. But I've had quite a few women tell me secretly that they wouldn't have kids if they had their time again.

The reason they feel they can tell me is that I haven't given birth to children myself. (I have a stepdaughter but that seems to be viewed differently.)

But I was shocked when a friend's mother recently announced she wouldn't have kids if given the choice again – in front of her kids!

'You can't mean that! You love your children!' I blurted out. The kids, now in their 40s, seemed unperturbed. This was clearly something that had been said before.

'It's the constant worry,' their mother said. 'From the moment you are pregnant until the moment you die, it never leaves. Your first thoughts are always 'How are the kids?', your last thought is always 'Are the kids OK?'. It's relentless and it's exhausting. I haven't had a moment's peace since the first one arrived.'

Given two of her children also have children, perhaps this is why they aren't upset by their mother's comments. They understand where she's coming from.

I wondered just how many women out there fantasise about a child-free life with all the freedom, independence (and good sex) it offers. And found three who were willing to tell me their stories – anonymously, of course.

Here's what they told me.

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'IT'S REPETITIVE, MONOTONOUS - AND THANKLESS'

Marie, 46, longs for a more interesting life

'I have four boys, so the first thing is the physical toll. Not just carrying and delivering four big babies, but the energy and physical effort it took to be a stay home Mum. I honestly don't know how I got through the baby and toddler stages. The physical exhaustion and workload is so intense, there's no time to think about yourself and your needs. But I vividly remember making yet another meal for four growing teenagers and feeling so, so, weary with it all.

'I've done nothing but bring up children for 15 years. The repletion, the monotony, the lack of intellectual stimulation – the lack of thanks! My husband worked long hours and was hardly ever home. He carried the financial burden (bringing up four boys is beyond expensive; I don't know how we coped). Meanwhile, I had the daily grind. That day I realised the rewards weren't anywhere near enough to balance out the downside. But what do you do? It's not like I can chuck them all out.

'Boys aren't like girls, they're hard to get through to emotionally. They all went through a stage where they gave nothing back. Just demanded food, food and more food and grunted when I tried to make conversation.

'I'm a well-educated, intelligent, social person and all I've done is be a housewife and mother.

'If I could go back in time, be 20 again, I wouldn't have children. I love them but my life would have been so much more interesting and exciting without them. My husband and I would have travelled, we'd have spent more time with friends. We'd have been closer and certainly had more sex. We feel more like flatmates. Actually, worse than that – work colleagues.

'I would have enjoyed having a challenging job but there's no hope now. I've been out of the workforce for too long. I wouldn't say I'm bitter about the choices I've made but I am deeply disappointed with the outcome.

'I'm not surprised lots of young women are opting out of motherhood and taking different paths. Good for you. There are many other things life has to offer that are just as rewarding as parenting.'

'I WAS A HIGHFLYER AND NOW I'M JUST AN ANXIOUS, HELICOPTER PARENT'

Ashley, 45, gave up her career for children and regrets it

'I made a silly assumption: I thought you could have a career and children. I left my high-paying, deeply rewarding management job and took a year off to have a child. I figured it would be a brief interruption but then I fell pregnant again and we wanted two kids, so I figured I'd take two years off and do it all in one go.

'Except it didn't work like that. It was four years later that I tried to get back into the workforce. Tried being the operative word.

'Would you employ a mother with two young children if you required a full-time, long-day commitment to the job? Employers were nervous. I was nervous. I'd lost my identity and my confidence. I was offered lesser roles but determined to get back what I had.

'Meanwhile, my best work friend who had a similar role to me had her salary tripled in that time. She was always being head hunted and I wanted all the jobs she was offered. She was single and free to do what she wanted and what she wanted was success. I felt sick with envy.

'Meanwhile, I was failing as a parent as well. You don't just have to worry about making sure your kids don't get ill or have accidents. You scrutinise every decision you – and they – make in their life. I want them to go to a Russell Group university. They have other ideas. Do I let them do what they want and risk them berating me later in life when they achieve little? Or do I alienate them by forcing choices on them now?

'I can't stop thinking of all those lost opportunities. I was a highflyer and now I'm just an anxious, helicopter parent. I could have really been something if I hadn't had children. Instead, I'm washed up at 45 and seriously depressed.'

'Having children broke my marriage and if I had to choose between having them or my husband and our previous life, I'm ashamed to say I'd choose him,' Erin, 43, told Tracey Cox (stock image)

'I DIDN'T WANT CHILDREN AND SHOULD NEVER HAVE LET MY FRIENDS INFLUENCE ME'

Erin, 43,

'Having children broke my marriage and if I had to choose between having them or my husband and our previous life, I'm ashamed to say I'd choose him.

'I was 32 when I met Steve, but it was worth the wait. We had a blissful three years together before children. We had sex constantly and our lifestyle was idyllic. Coffee in bed on the weekends, lunch with a bottle of wine; we'd travel on a whim and splurge on luxuries.

'We discussed having children at the start and both said we'd leave it in the lap of the Gods: if it happened great, if not also great. We didn't use contraception and nothing happened for two years. Steve was cool about it, but I was surrounded by friends having babies, all telling me what I was missing out on.

'I told Steve I'd changed my mind and was now desperate for children. He said fine and went with me for all the tests and agreed to IVF, but I could see he was nervous. He said he loved 'us' and our life and was I sure I wanted to change that? I wasn't but I had baby FOMO big time.

'My friends kept telling me I would never forgive myself if I didn't try. So I pushed him into continuing and one round of IVF turned into three. It drained our finances, our sex life was ruined, I was moody, snappy and anxious. He just seemed sad: all the fun had disappeared.

'Eventually the IVF worked and – surprise! – I was pregnant with twins. Both of us looked horrified when they told us, but what could we do? The pregnancy was awful, the birth was horrendous and the twins were difficult babies.

'I turned on everyone. I told my girlfriends I hated them for lying to me about motherhood. I blamed my husband for letting me get pregnant when neither of us really wanted babies. I hated myself the most because I knew I was being horrifically unreasonable and a terrible mother to two innocent children who deserved to be loved, not resented.

'Steve lasted another two years, begged me to get therapy but eventually left. I am now seeing a therapist and desperately trying to get Steve back but it's not looking good. The therapist is also helping me to be a better mother. I love my twins, even if there's resentment there, and I only have myself to blame for not listening to my heart.'

Visit traceycox.com for Tracey's books, podcast and other information about sex and relationships.