My wife showed me her extreme kink on Pornhub... then she begged me to do the unthinkable: DEAR JANE
Dear Jane,
My wife and I have been married for a few years and I've always thought we had a healthy (albeit tame) sex life. We communicate what we like and need and it seemed, at least to me, that my wife was satisfied.
But she recently revealed her guilty pleasure to me and I'm gob-smacked - to say the least.
One night, we were talking about whether either of us wanted to try anything new in the bedroom and she told me that there was, in fact, one thing she wanted to share.
She pulled out her laptop, opened Pornhub and showed me what her guilty pleasure is. Let's just say it's very extreme.
I couldn't believe it. I never would have thought this is what she is into. Never mind the fact that she's been harboring this secret for years and not telling me.
Then, she suggested that we should watch it together sometime. All I could think was thank goodness she didn't ask to actually try it.
While I gave a half-hearted 'sure' in response, frankly, I'm disturbed by the idea.
But in the weeks since, she's been pressing me to find a time to try watching these videos together, insisting it would be 'so hot.'
I don't want to yuck her yum, so to speak, but there's no way that I will be watching that with her. Is there a way to tell her no without embarrassing her?
Sincerely,
Horrified Husband
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Horrified Husband,
There is a reason why so many people keep their fantasies secret, particularly when those fantasies are on the extreme side.
We're living in times where sexual shame is now frowned upon. In many ways, being open about your particular proclivities - and removing shame associated with it - is healthy.
But openly sharing what you like isn't always going to be received in the way that you would hope.
Many people are turned on by things that they would never want to actually experience in real life - that's why they're fantasies. And fantasies rarely become reality.
Porn often exaggerates intensity, things that are taboo, or power dynamics, because fantasy allows safe exploration without real-world consequences.
As such, the fact that your wife has been harboring this secret isn't unduly worrying. In fact, she hasn't asked you to let her indulge in her guilty pleasure, nor join her in doing anything other than watching it.
But given how averse you are to her kink, I don't see any reason why you should watch it with her.
This is the time to set a boundary. You don't need to shame or embarrass her; instead, start by saying how glad you are that she trusts you and is comfortable enough to share something of this nature.
You can tell her that you have no judgement, but that kind of content just isn't something you're comfortable watching and that it doesn't turn you on. You can even explain that it's better for you to be honest about how you feel rather than fake an enthusiasm that just isn't there.
Perhaps the two of you can explore other things that are mutually exciting for you both.
The healthiest marriages are not the ones where partners share every kink, nor every activity. In fact, the healthiest marriages I know involve two people who have completely different hobbies or interests.
They don't resent, or try to change each other's tastes. But, just as healthy as allowing your partner to be themselves is to say 'no' to them without fear.
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