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'No one is illegal on stolen land,' blathered Billie Eilish.

And you thought Cher was the biggest disaster of the night?

The 2026 Grammys are in the bag and while other back-slapping award shows have recently stay away from toxic political screeds, music's biggest night played their anti-Trump hits on repeat.

From Silly Billie to ubiquitous 'ICE Out' pins on the red carpet and crowd-pleasing rants, all the self-important blowhards from Justin and Hailey Bieber to Joni Mitchell did their darndest to drive away half of their audiences.

But nothing topped Eilish's mind-numbingly stupid 'F**k ICE!' acceptance speech after grabbing Song of the Year win for Wildflower. Why don't you use your lily-white privilege to give back your Grammy, you colonizer!

Six-time failed host Trevor Noah recycled his tired bit of meandering through the crowd – and delivered one of the most awkward moments of the night by needling a seemingly unwell Justin Bieber, who appeared incapable of cracking a smile.

I had no idea Bieb's sunken, soulless eyes were a harbinger of a troubling performance to come. And with that I give you my 2026 Grammy Gongs:

Most in need of a welfare check

Justin gave us a stripped-down performance alright. He joylessly serenaded the crowd - in his socks and shiny boxers - with his new song Yukon.

I had no idea Bieb's sunken, soulless eyes were a harbinger of a troubling performance to come

'No one is illegal on stolen land,' blathered Billie Eilish

It could've been titled, You Gone. Like, off the deep end.

His voice sounded great, but Hailey looked humiliated. All I could think was making kids famous is a psychic death sentence.

Chest performance

Last year's Best New Artist Chappell Roan made her mammaries moan by going topless on the red carpet with her poor pierced nipples holding up the remnants of her dress.

It was a custom Thierry Mugler gown, I wonder what happened to the rest of it?

The aggravator bunny

Bad Bunny did a spot-on impression of The Elephant Man ('I am not an animal, I am a human being! I…am…a…MAN!!') when he won the Best Música Urbana album for Debi Tirar Mas Fotos.

This is from the guy who won't play concerts in the continental US for fear of ICE agents nabbing his fans, but he's performing at next week's Super Bowl. You make sense of that one.

Bad Bunny did a spot-on impression of The Elephant Man

Chappell Roan made her mammaries moan by going topless on the red carpet with her poor pierced nipples holding up the remnants of her dress

Cher-bolic

Cher pulled a Biden. First, the 79-year-old diva started wandering off the stage, after receiving a lifetime achievement award, leaving Trevor Noah begging her to return to read the nominees for Record of the Year.

Kendrick Lamar and SZA won, but Cher enthusiastically declared 'Luther Vandross' the winner. But Luther wasn't there, because he died in 2005.

'Jackie, are you here? Where's Jackie?'

Total a** award

Desperate sinfluencer Heidi Klum continued the unnuanced nipple-bearing with a curiously pointy, structured dress glued to her naked body.

The flesh-colored wet latex appeared to be clipped together with some spare clarinet-case clamps. And when Klum turned to teeter down the red carpet, she exposed more crack than Hunter Biden's coffee table.

Desperate sinfluencer Heidi Klum continued the unnuanced nipple-bearing

When Klum turned to teeter down the red carpet, she exposed more crack than Hunter Biden's coffee table

Tax dodger nominee

Forget ICE. The IRS may be looking for SZA.

Kendrick Lamar's, Luther song mate cut through the jibber jabber with a pretty profound declaration: 'We are not governed by the government; we are governed by God!'

Amen, sister. But keep that between you and your pastor this filing season.

Fire and brimstone award

After winning Best Contemporary Country Album trophy, Jelly Roll declared to his wife Bunnie Xo (aka tattooed Lauren Sanchez in a blonde wig), 'I'd have killed myself if it wasn't for you and Jesus!'

'Jesus is for everybody,' Pastor Roll preached. 'Jesus is not owned by any one political party. Jesus is Jesus. Anybody can have a relationship with him. I love you, Lord.'

If this whole singer/songwriter gig doesn't work out, Jelly Roll and SZA have bright futures as televangelists!

'Jesus is for everybody,' Pastor Roll preached

Meanest girl

Fat face Chrissy Teigen can just stuff it.

Nicki Minaj is clearly persona-non-grata with the anti-ICE crowd after she appeared with President Donald Trump last week.

And after Trevor Noah made Nicki the butt of a big butt joke, Chrissy tried to hog the spotlight, waving 'buh-bye!' from the background.

She's a miserable bully.

Most likely to trigger puberty

Multi-hyphenate Teyana Taylor is hotter than a stolen pistol. But she'd do better leaving a little to the imagination.

Taylor aired out her racket balls and nearly nude side boob when she hugged Lady Gaga while presenting the Best Pop Vocal Album award.

Teyana, this is the Grammys, not the Golden Globes. Who do you think you are, Heidi Klum?

Multi-hyphenate Teyana Taylor is hotter than a stolen pistol

Taylor aired out her racket balls and nearly nude side boob when she hugged Lady Gaga while presenting the Best Pop Vocal Album award

Manorexic of the evening

Sombr is supremely talented and had the crowd gyrating like it was prom night with his song, 12 to 12, but that emaciated mess looked like a scarecrow caught in a shattered disco ball.

He looked even more frail than poor Kelly Osbourne!

Most lampoonable lampshape

Lady Gaga sounded amazing on, Abracadabra, but her headgear looked like a deeply discounted Wayfair lampshade cosplaying as a corona virus.

We expect more from Mother Monster.

It's hard to offer applause for wicker when you're expecting a meat dress.

Lady Gaga sounded amazing on, Abracadabra, but her headgear looked like a deeply discounted Wayfair lampshade cosplaying as a corona virus

Sombr looked even more frail than poor Kelly Osbourne!

Dishonorable mentions

No one needed to see flimsy-voiced Addison Rae flashing her crotch during her new artist performance. It's an awards show, not OnlyFans.

Gorgeous Olivia Dean's stolen 'I'm the granddaughter of an immigrant' valor is so unnecessary. You're British! No one is calling Tom Homan on you, dear.

Bravos...

All in all, despite the clumsy, phoned-in hosting and the unnecessarily political speeches from uneducated pop stars, there were some beautiful moments that rounded out the show.

The Ozzy Osbourne tribute with Slash, Duff McKagan, Chad Smith, Andrew Watt and Post Malone was absolutely stellar.

The D'Angelo/Roberta Flack Medley was stunning, and when Wyclef joined Lauryn Hill for The Fugees version of Killing Me Softly, it absolutely sent the Crypto Arena crowd into a nostalgic frenzy.

The Ozzy Osbourne tribute with Slash, Duff McKagan, Chad Smith, Andrew Watt and Post Malone was absolutely stellar

Dapper, soft-spoken Pharrell (and his handsome grill) accepted the Dr Dre Global Impact award with sweet humility, shouting out his presenter Q-Tip, Dre and MTV (RIP), all while motivating anyone watching to do what they love.

'Never stop grinding. Never stop working,' he said. 'Stop doing anything else but working. Work, man. Because… I'm 52, I get to do this every day. I love what I do and if you do what you love every day, you'll get paid for free.'

You're right, Pharrell.

And I love ripping on these nitwits.