RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: As Britain’s forced to borrow a German warship… what would Nelson make of today’s Navy?
To celebrate the bicentenary of Trafalgar in 2005, an actor dressed as Lord Nelson was sent up the Thames on the prow of an RNLI lifeboat. On the orders of elf’n’safety, he was forced to wear a lifejacket over his 19th-century admiral’s uniform, which somehow spoiled the effect.
I couldn’t resist writing a spoof column imagining how the battle could ever have been fought under modern terms of engagement. It’s been doing the rounds on the internet ever since.
While already hampered by ludicrous safety and diversity directives, and international ‘yuman rites’ laws recently introduced by Tony Blair’s Labour government, at least back then the Navy was capable of mustering a serious fighting fleet.
Two decades ago, even after years of defence cuts under both the Tories and Labour, it still had 31 functioning destroyers and frigates. Today, not so much.
On Nick Ferrari’s LBC Radio breakfast show, Defence Secretary John Healey couldn’t even be sure how many warships he has at his disposal.
Healey bumbled and blustered before he settled on a figure of 17, although he couldn’t say where they all were. He was expertly skewered by Ferrari and a succession of callers who appeared to have a more accurate grasp of the situation than the Defence Secretary himself.
Defence Secretary John Healey recently couldn’t even be sure how many warships the UK has at its disposal
Respected defence analyst Francis Tusa said the Navy has only five serviceable ships available immediately - two destroyers and three frigates. One of those, HMS Drag Queen, has finally made its way to Cyprus after being marooned in dock for refitting for weeks in the run-up to the Iran war.
As for the others, your guess is as good as Healey’s. It has now emerged that Britain is having to borrow a ship from Germany to take part in a long-planned Nato exercise next month. It doesn’t get more embarrassing than that.
Since 2005, the number of Navy personnel has declined from more than 41,000 to around 32,000. As recently as the first Gulf War in 1991, it had 62,000 enlisted men and women and was able to send a 33-ship task force. In 2026, we can’t even rustle up a single minesweeper to help open up the Straits of Hormuz.
Which got me wondering what Admiral Lord Nelson would make of the Royal Navy today. These days he’d be fighting with his one remaining arm tied behind his back. Let’s join him as he surveys the fleet at Portsmouth alongside the Defence Secretary. Nelson has his spyglass to his good eye...
HMS Dragon's arrival in Cyprus to help the war effort was delayed
Nelson: I see no ships.
Healey: Er, if you look hard enough, sir, there’s something over there.
What, that distant vessel steaming towards port? Is that one of ours?
No, sir. I believe that’s the Isle of Wight Ferry.
Ah, I see a warship now. Why isn’t it at sea?
That’s HMSTikkyTokky, sir. In dry dock for a refit.
How long has it been there?
Pretty much ever since it was commissioned, sir.
What’s the problem?
Richard Littlejohn has been wondering what Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson would make of the Royal Navy today
Apparently the engines don’t work in warm water. That’s why we can’t send it to the Gulf just yet.
Gadzooks! How would Drake ever have singed the King of Spain’s beard if the Golden Hind couldn’t operate in the Med?
Our ships weren’t so sophisticated back then, sir, so it took less work to make them seaworthy. In fact, we’re recommissioning the Mary Rose as a stopgap, once the carpenters have fitted the wheelchair access to the focsle.
And that curious square-shaped vessel yonder?
The Bibby Stockholm, sir. A merchant barge formerly used to house asylum seekers until an immigration judge ruled it was unfit for human habitation.
So what’s it doing flying the white ensign?
We’ve commandeered it as temporary accommodation for service members and their families forced to leave our base at Akrotiri because of the Iranian missiles. Should be anchored off Cyprus in about three weeks.
And where’s the rest of the fleet?
We’ve sent a few of our smaller ships and a couple of rowing boats to the Arctic Circle to protect Greenland?
From whom, Healey?
President Trump, I believe. He’s been threatening to invade Greenland.
I thought America was a Nato ally.
It is, sir. Or was. Trump says he doesn’t need our help, until he does. Despite calling our aircraft carriers ‘toys’, he wants us to open up the Straits of Hormuz shipping lanes which have been closed by the Iranian Republican Guards.
So are we?
No. The Prime Minister says we can only take part in defensive operations. Something to do with international law. And, anyway, we withdrew our last minesweeper from the Gulf a few weeks before the Iran war started. And we’re even having to borrow a German ship to take part in a Nato exercise in the Atlantic in April.
Germany? Whatever happened to Britannia Rules The Waves? Level with me, Healey. How many warships can we muster at a push?
I’d like to say 17, sir, but the experts tell me we’ve only got five.
Five? So we certainly couldn’t fight the Battle of Trafalgar today, let alone mount the Dunkirk evacuation or the D-Day invasion.
To be honest, sir, we can’t even stop tens of thousands of illegal migrants crossing the Channel to Kent on rubber dinghies.
So England is effectively defenceless?
That’s about the size of it, sir.
I did at least expect the band of the Royal Marines to greet us today with a selection of sea shanties.
They’re back in London, sir, rehearsing for the upcoming Gay Pride Parade.
Gay Pride?
Yes, sir, the Royal Navy has been actively recruiting homosexuals for many years as part of its diversity drive.
In which case: Kiss Me, Healey.
