The bartender passed on a cryptic message from my ex. I thought nothing of it until I worked out the real meaning... the sexual humiliation is unbearable: DEAR JANE
Dear Jane,
My jealous ex-boyfriend has leaked intimate details about me online.
I broke up with him nearly a year ago and he didn't take it well. He was devastated - at times angry - and kept asking to meet for 'closure', which was really a thinly veiled attempt to win me back.
Eventually, I went in order to keep the peace. After all, we live in the same neighborhood and frequent the same restaurants, bars and movie theater, so I hoped we could at least be civil in public.
Time then passed after our meet up and, when I hadn't heard from him for a while, I hoped he had finally come to terms with the split and moved on. Boy, was I wrong.
I was at my favorite spot for a drink with friends the other night when our regular bartender told me my ex had asked him to 'pass on a message' (that he had a new girlfriend).
While I brushed it off as an attempt to give me grief over the breakup one last time, my friend texted me a few days later asking if I had seen what my ex was posting online. (I hadn't, I was blocked.)
What she showed me was truly appalling. Apparently, he had been posting online to Facebook groups, Reddit forums, X threads and Instagram comments sections airing out my dirty laundry: what he hated most about me, the problems in our relationship and even how I didn't measure up in the bedroom. While he didn't name me, it would be immediately clear to anyone that vaguely knows us who the posts were about.
I was so embarrassed that all our friends - never mind complete strangers - were able to read such intimate details about me.
I don't want to talk to my ex about it for fear that I will only stoke the fire, but I also need to tell him to stop, otherwise I won't be able to show my face outside. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Ex Embarrassment
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Ex Embarrassment,
It is an awful thing to learn that anyone, particularly an ex-partner, is spreading things about you that are private, intimate and, in this case, cruel.
We have little control over the narrative people choose, particularly those who have been hurt and are seeking revenge.
But as we get older, if we are lucky, we become a little more circumspect about break-ups. We may hear one person's side of the story, but we begin to learn that there are usually three sides to every one: there's his side, her side and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
I am sorry that you are enduring this, though I'm sure it will pass. And even though you knew immediately that these posts were about you, others may not.
But I know how violating this feels.
When I left my marriage, my husband immediately became involved with a woman I knew. Because of how he much he shared about his exes, I knew he would be telling her intimate details about me that I suspected would be shared with people we both knew.
It was awful, but ultimately, I came to understand that I couldn't control his narrative, that anyone who loved me wouldn't pay much attention, and eventually it passed.
As it will for you.
That said, sharing intimate details is a form of harassment, and I urge you to start documenting everything he is posting just in case you decide to take legal action.
I completely understand your concerns about stoking the fire.
So, if you do decide to contact him, keep it short, firm and neutral. No emotion. Simply inform him that you have seen what he is posting and are requesting that he stop.
If he does not, you might want to talk to a lawyer about sending him a cease and desist letter. Usually, that alone stops people in their tracks. It will show him you are taking this seriously and that there may be legal consequences should he continue.
Remember, he is trying to control the narrative because he lost control of the relationship. All you can do is trust that this will blow over, and that the people who like you - even your favorite bartender - will continue to do so regardless.
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