LAWRENCE BOOTH: Why Brendon McCullum's stunning claim was tone-deaf - and the Ben Stokes admission which suggests that cracks have begun to emerge in Bazball
If Brendon McCullum and Ben Stokes didn't know the scale of their task before they arrived in Australia, they know it now. Two-nil down with three to play is not a situation England have remedied anywhere, ever – let alone in a country which Stokes described after his team's latest defeat as 'no place for weak men'.
As the architects of Bazball assessed the wreckage of a second successive eight-wicket defeat, it felt as if the gravity of the situation had dawned on them.
Ashes meltdowns do not tend to end well for English captains or coaches, and the evidence of the first two Tests points overwhelmingly to another humiliation, to go with the 5–0 whitewash in 2013-14 and the 4–0 defeats in 2017-18 and 2021-22.
England have now lost 15 of their last 17 Tests in Australia, and seem as far away as ever to cracking the code. McCullum and Stokes are both proud, competitive men, despite their critics' claims that they care more about entertainment than victory. The thought of another hammering on their CV will fill them with dread.
In the immediate aftermath of this defeat, sealed on the fourth evening when Australia's captain Steve Smith pulled Gus Atkinson for six to complete a simple chase of 65, England's two head honchos dealt with the disappointment in their own distinctive manners.
Stokes wondered aloud why it was that his players seem to crumble under pressure, with a wild Gabba crowd of 137,000 over the four days proving too much for England to handle.
Ben Stokes now has a mammoth task on his hands if England are to win the Ashes in Australia
It feels as if the gravity of the situation has dawned on the architects of Bazball - including coach Brendan McCullum
McCullum, meanwhile, risked further alienating those fans who already believe his team do not take the game seriously by suggesting: 'If anything, we trained too much.' That was a reference to the extra net session England added to their pre-match schedule, which meant the players practised for five days in a row.
It was a tone-deaf observation at a time when England ought to be all ears. The last thing angry supporters want to hear after a performance in which the only saving graces were Joe Root's first-day hundred and the gritty last-day partnership between Stokes and Will Jacks is that England did too much preparation.
That will come as news to those who have wondered what kind of preparation they have done at all.
They warmed up for this tour with a white-ball series in chilly New Zealand, where the pitches were emerald green and the crowds friendly. They then played a three-day game against England Lions at Lilac Hill in Perth – a competitive match in name only – before turning down the chance to re-route some of their first team to Canberra for a two-day pink-ball game under lights against a Prime Minister's XI.
Again, England had their reasons. Conditions in in the Australian capital bore no resemblance to what they found in Brisbane, and the turnaround before the second Test would have been tight.
But, again, perception matters, and the perception right now is that they have arrived in Australia ill-prepared, not just for the quality of their opponents but for the ferocity of the welcome. After all, who knew that Australian newspapers would play every trick in the book, or that spectators would even sledge the bloke carrying the drinks?
England prepared for this tour by watching a specially made film about the history of the Ashes – a bid to connect them with one of sport's great historical continuums. Perhaps they should also have been alerted to the fact that the locals are not inclined to keep their thoughts to themselves. Has anyone been genuinely taken aback by the local sights and sounds? If so, what are they doing playing international sport?
It was revealing that Stokes, in an attempt to get to grips with the relentlessness of it all, ended up trying to diagnose the problem: 'Is it fight, character, mentality that we take out there as a group? That is what I have got to find out.'
England have now lost 15 of their last 17 Tests in Australia - and Ashes meltdowns do not tend to end well for English captains or coaches
In the three and a half years since Stokes and McCullum began working together, one of their strengths has been the sense of a common goal, of unequivocal backing for their players, and unwavering belief in their philosophy, which is routinely misrepresented by those who cast them as a merry sloggers.
Yet it was hard to escape the suspicion that cracks have begun to emerge. Why else would Stokes ask 'When the pressure is on, where are we at?', if he didn't have in mind one or two players who have wilted in the crucibles of Perth and Brisbane?
And why point out that a 'dressing-room I am captain of is not a place for weak men', if he didn't feel, deep down, that not everyone has shown the same resolve that helped him and Jacks keep Australia at bay for three hours?
On one level, these are heartfelt views, expressed in the heat of the moment, and no one should criticise that in these PR-driven times. But Stokes sets high standards, and too many of his team-mates here have not lived up to them.
Chief among the disappointments has been Ollie Pope, who has played 63 Tests but continues to make elementary errors, chopping on in the first innings at the Gabba as he jabbed at a ball that was too close to him, then driving on the up in the second to give Michael Neser a return catch.
An hour or so later came the extraordinary spectacle of assistant coach Marcus Trescothick claiming that England hadn't discussed the dangers of driving on the up after several of their players fell that way in Perth.
When McCullum then says England have trained too hard for a Test in which only three batsmen reached 50 and their fast bowlers lost the plot, fans can be forgiven for wondering what on earth is going on.
Other players have simply looked overawed. Jamie Smith has shrunk in the spotlight, both with bat and gloves, while Atkinson's two late wickets could not offset two careless shots with the bat – a scandal for a player who last year scored a Lord's century against Sri Lanka.
Stokes has regularly backed his players to the hills - but has now admitted that cracks are starting to show
The feckless batting of both him and Brydon Carse was put into damning perspective by the determination shown by Mitchell Starc and Scott Boland as they ground Australia towards 511, cleverly ensuring England would begin their second innings under the floodlights.
And it said little for the standing of the tourists that everyone agreed such tactics would have been beyond them had the boot been on the other foot.
The English public want their cricket team to succeed. But in order to love them, they need to be sure they are being given the best chance. Above all, they need to believe that Bazball really isn't a cult.
England's response over the next month will dictate not just the legacy of the protagonists, but the relationship between the players and their fans. Because without that, the whole thing really will fall apart.
